Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
