I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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