He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
