can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Damn victory sex feels great
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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