I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
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