I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
