after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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