Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
