that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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