i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I need to align my fucking chakras
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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