So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
