By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
