When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
