All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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