so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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