I wanna passion pit in your ass
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
