What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
