Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
