My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
