I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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