i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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