I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
