Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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