My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I will be naked everywhere
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
