made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
3 2 1 whiskey
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
