Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
