Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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