I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
