I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
