she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
