you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
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