Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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