Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
me + whiskey = a bad person
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
