Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
