Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
don't judge my taste in strippers
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
