Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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