His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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