Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Randomize
