They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
