I hate your face
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
