My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
