I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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