Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
