Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize
