3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
