i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
