I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
