he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
