I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
