im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
