It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
