I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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